My Spiritual Life
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Growing up as a pastor's daughter, I learned early on that I wanted to be a good girl and strive to become the best at whatever I chose to do. I also learned about Jesus and made a decision when I was 9 years old to invite him to become my Savior.
Although I believe my faith and love for Him then was genuine, I never really understood what I was being "saved" from. I knew sin wasn't something I wanted to be involved with though my understanding of it was limited to such moral transgressions as smoking, drinking alcohol, swearing, lying, or stealing. So I stayed clear of these. But the Bible explains that sin involves so much more than simply our outward actions, referring to the many times Jesus taught that sin was also internal, affecting our thoughts and desires as well.
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Another thing I didn't understand then was how to live a Christian life. I thought it was to simply avoid these moral transgressions. But it was more than that. Even though I memorized Scripture and participated in youth ministry and weekly prayer meetings, I didn't have the kind of relationship with Jesus where I learned to depend upon Him for daily strength and His Word for direction in my life.
The first example of this was when a boyfriend asked me to marry him. I didn't think about asking God if this was the right man and the right moment - I just let my self-confidence steer me to the altar. But after just two years of marriage I was forced to leave because of the escalating physical and verbal abuse I was exposed to. The physical wounds soon healed but the verbal abuse lingered long after until I eventually stopped believing in the girl I once was. Though as a figure skater I learned to get right back up when I fell, I was finding it far more difficult to rise up out of the disgrace of divorce and the emotional feelings that I was unloved and unwanted.
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[My brother Monty, Dad, Mom, and myself in 1975]
Only months after the divorce, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and after a 3-year battle, she passed into the arms of Jesus. I was only 30 when she died so not only did I hurt over not having more time together, but now I had lost the very person who I had thought would always be there.
Just over a year later, my father had a stroke, or what I think was a broken heart, and went home to be with Mom and the Lord. Gone was the one man I had trusted and depended upon, who had been my personal coach in life, always inspiring me to keep pressing forward with my skating, my singing, my education, and my teaching career. He had so wanted me to achieve success, or stardom, or simply become the best at something.
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The sense of feeling alone I had known on occasion now became a like a well I had fallen into that had no bottom. All the hope I had known was spiraling downward. Making things even worse was a relationship I had that was quickly unraveling after I discovered I had been deceived and betrayed from the start. The dark night of the soul had become how I spent every night as my pillow became soaked with tears and sleep felt so elusive. I had always been afraid of the dark - now it seemed there was nowhere to find light.
Though I had lost relationships with those closest to me in my life, there was only one left that I hoped could help me. It was with God. Could my faith in Jesus all those prior years become something more than just believing He existed and trying to be good enough? Could Jesus be both my Lord and a friend I could depend upon? Would I be willing to let go of my life by placing it into His hands and doing it His way? As I became serious about reading my Bible, I soon found God could answer each of my questions.
Psalms 77:1-14
“I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."
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As I slowly emerged out of those very dark days, I began to look back and see that something had changed. Just like my first song on this album, "I Found God's Love." The more I kept reading the Bible, the more I felt I could depend on God's promises. And the more I depended on God, the more I realized that all those years growing up I had never learned how to trust Him. My spiritual life was largely riding on my parents' faith rather than my own. I felt safe and secure in their care and felt that was all I needed. But now, after so much loss in my life, the only relationship that would not and could not end, was becoming more real than ever before. Now I was beginning to trust in God's love.
Within less than a year of my father's passing, I packed up my life and moved to Canada. I could not do this without having been assured of this one promise God impressed upon me when I prayed about leaving California: "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut. 31:8).
What I left behind was a life of further opportunity that may have generated the kind of success my father always hoped I would achieve. But it was mostly a very worldly success. And it may have been success accompanied by a deep void within my soul. Nothing can replace having someone like Jesus to know and depend on. And there is no prize to win in this world that can exceed that of being granted eternal life in exchange for believing Jesus died for your sins, was raised back to life, and is right now preparing a home for us in heaven.
I had to learn that faith is not just believing that God exists, but that He loves me even more than my dear parents did, and that He has made every provision for me so I could love and serve Him all of my days here.
I hope the lyrics of my "Songs in the Night" will help you to know that God loves you as well. There is no darkness that He cannot dispel. "All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out" John 6:37. But you must choose to leave your life of sin and follow Him to a new spiritual land where your soul may be at peace and where sin no longer darkens your way.
Thank you for reading and listening to me share my testimony about my life and how a personal relationship with Jesus gave me hope to carry on. Please write if you would like me to pray for you or if you would like to know more about how to find a relationship with Jesus.
With God's precious love,
Barbara Angeline Gill